Category: Onwards and Upwards

Onwards and Upwards No. 39

Hello my healing team,

I hope this update finds you well.

The last week has been interesting and quite eventful.  I started my chemo last Monday and had my second dose yesterday.  Along with taking 24 tablets, I have had to inject myself with the Velcade.  I did the self injection yesterday for the first time, and I must say, it is a little freaky given the needle is roughly 5cm long and I have to push it all of the way in!!  Given I stabbed myself without passing out, I did feel brave 💪💪.

The symptoms have been as expected and manageable.  As I sit here at 4am Tuesday morning, I can confirm that the insomnia from the steroid is back.  From Monday to Thursday, I wake up each morning feeling as though I am hungover.  I actually feel a little ripped off as I have the hangover but missed out on the fun bit the night before that creates the hangover.  I feel further ripped off given a Berocca, panadol, meat pie and a Coke slurpie no longer cures my hangover like it did 20 years ago. Only time heals.  Worst of all though is the hiccups.  They start 24hrs after taking the steroids, and continue for 24hrs, even waking me from my fragile sleep.  I feel validated every time that someone in my presence gives me that sympathy look, both of us sharing the knowledge that hiccups sucks massively!

This week, our new normal has arrived.  We have had to adapt.  I am no longer working so am trying to keep busy and remain positive.  My positivity has been challenged as I confront the ‘Why’.  Why has this crappy disease reemerged??  It has had me question and in some cases, stop pursuing those things that I have been doing to remain well including my nutrition, the health supplements I am taking, my mindfulness routine.  Why bother doing all of this if it is not going to hold off the cancer!!  But in recent reflection, I have realised that all of my actions form part of my coping mechanism.  I do things to help me feel as though I am taking control by raising my energy, connecting into my social network, doing things that strengthen my immune system.  I have to keep up my routine, I have to continue to do those small things that will help me maintain resolve and stay strong.  I have to fight for me.

My coping mechanism is important, but it is only one of the four techniques that I have observed in my house this week.  With me starting treatment again, Sarah and I felt it was time to divulge our secrets to Riley (11yo) and Georgia (8yo) by telling them I have cancer, and have had cancer for the past 2.5 years.  This undertaking has meant that Sarah and I now have to observe, nurture and manage the coping mechanisms of our beautiful young kids 🙁 . Kids shouldn’t have to deal with this shit!! However, the sad reality is that many kids do have to deal with adversity, and they do manage admirably.

We sat the kids down to host our family chat.  Riley sat with me and Georgia sat with Sarah.  When we started the discussion with “hey guys, can we have a family chat”, they knew some form of significant news was coming.  When we confessed, their reactions gave an honest insight with their coping mechanism.

Riley bounced up and down exclaiming “I knew it, I knew it”. Apparently he had been given a heads up by one of his honest little buddies at school.  Whilst he had previously been told of my cancer, I know he didn’t believe that news…….. a little like when he was first told that Santa didn’t exist.  He heard it but didn’t believe it. Riley seemed almost excited at first.  The nature of the energy that he displayed confused me a little.  Why the excitement?  I now understand that he was putting on a form of cloaking display, just like I would. He was putting his energy out there so that he didn’t have to immediately dwell.  Extrovert at his best. I do know from first hand experience though that Riley will have to manage his mind during those future quiet times.  It won’t be easy.

Georgia responded very differently.  As soon as she heard the news, it was very clear that she had no previous idea that her dad had cancer.  She was immediately sad, a little scared and I could tell she wanted to cry.  She fought to be strong and so walked away and started colouring in.  So frikkin cute and sad at the same time!!  We lured Georgia back to keep her engaged, but also let her do her thing.  Let her cope in her way.  Like Sarah, Georgia’s mechanism is to internalise and think.  She knows a lot about what is going on and will need some time to process.

Now that Riley and Georgia know of our little secret, they will openly talk to others about their dad having cancer and so they will have to manage all of those voices, opinions and the (occaisional) misinformation that they hear. Sarah and I are responsible for teaching our kids how to manage all of this information, and to help them manage those quiet voices that will occur in Riley and Georgia’s beautiful little heads.  It is not easy, but given we understand their coping mechanisms, Sarah and I can be there for them.  I thank you all for being respectful and for being there for our kids too!  They are so precious.

This week we have been reminded that everyone has their own coping mechanism.  I realise that there is no one way or right way to cope.  Whether it be extroversion or introspection, energy or reflection, crying or crowing, I understand that what is needed is a lot of love, support, space, understanding, patience and compassion.  I am not always good at embracing and implementing all of these qualities, but my promise to Sarah, Riley and Georgia is …….. I will try my best.

Take care

Geoff

Onwards and Upwards No. 38

Hello my healing team,

I hope this update finds you well.

Whilst living on a day to day basis can sometimes feel slow,  as I reflect back, time flies.  It was October 2014 that I was told that I had achieved remission. Starting on Monday, I begin a five month program of chemotherapy at the Alfred hospital to knock down my recurring cancer. As part of this first phase of treatment, I will receive the three drugs Velcade, Cyclophosphimide and dexamethasone.  The Velcade and Cyclo are the drugs that hunt down the cancer.  The Dex is a steroid that supercharges their efficacy. When I had these drugs in early 2014, the side effects were manageable, but annoying.  Nausea was occasional, insomnia only hampered me on Mondays, the hiccups started on Tuesday morning and continued until Wednesday morning, my suppressed immune system would materialise as a stye and infected eye every few weeks, and apparent I had the propensity to be grumpy.  But don’t believe everything you read……… that last bit is just hear say!!

What troubles me about all of the side effects isn’t the physical duress, but the mental arm wrestle that you have to participate in.  For the past two years I have lived a relatively normal life. One without too many side effects and without the constant reminder of cancer.  However, when you are routinely in hospital, when you look in the mirror and see that puffy infected stye eye, when you hiccup for 24 hours straight, they all serve to constantly remind you that you’re not normal and that something is wrong.  It annoys me that that is where I am headed again. I miss normal already.

This week I am finishing work for a period of 1-2 years.  This is the time that it will take for me to undergo treatment, then recover.  I will miss work.  I will miss the challenge and the responsibility.  I will miss my fabulously supportive friends and colleagues.  As I was packing up my desk, I had a poignant moment.  I was placing all of my belongings into a box and grabbed my box of personal business cards. I taped the box closed so that they wouldn’t all fall out.  As I taped the box closed, it felt like I was closing the lid on my professional identity as a business person.  It’s not normal. It hurt.

I have found a saving grace this week that has become my silver lining on the cancer cloud.  Today I have travelled to Darwin to deliver my presentation on being Empowered in Adversity.  I will also facilitate a workshop on how to Live Deliberately.  By delivering my presentation, it forces me to engage my ghosts, and explain to a room full of people how to manage adversity, how to become empowered, and encourage people to strive to be the best that they can be. By delivering the workshop, I am reminded that I need to strive to be the best that I can be.

Whilst I won’t be experiencing the normal that I have become used too, I will find a new normal.  I will endure and I will rise. I have done it before and I will do it again.

Don’t wait for adversity to strike before you consider how to be the best you can be. Start today. Embrace, love, live.

Take care

Geoff

I must recognise the tremendous support that has been afforded to both Sarah and I by our family and all of our friends.  We are overwhelmed by your response to our challenge.  Thank you!!

Onwards and Upwards No. 37

Hello my healing team,

I hope this update finds you well.

Well straight into it……… like a boomerang, it’s back. My last results in May found that my cancer was 5% in my bone marrow and had reached a steady state with several consecutive results all being in the same range. I was hopeful. Now, just four months later, it is at 25% which is the same level as when I was diagnosed. Ouch 🙁.

So where to from here?? I had a lengthy 13 min discussion with my haematologist, the Nutty Professor, where he explained that my results had gone to poo, it was time to act now, and the best option for me was to start treatment comprising of;
– Starting in the next two weeks, complete three months of intense chemotherapy where I have to inject myself with drugs on a weekly basis that destroy the cancer cells, but also randomly destroy other cells within my body.
– In January 2017, I have to complete an autologous stem cell transplant where I receive my own stem cells back after receiving high dose chemo. This is the same process I went through in August 2014, where I spent 3 weeks in hospital, was administered with roughly 20 different drugs to help me cope with the chemo that they put in, and it took me 6 months to recover from. I also lost my hair……. I know!!
– In April 2017 (all going well), I am scheduled for a allogenic stem cell transplant. This is where I get my brothers stem cells introduced so that his immune system will replace mine. This will take me 12 months to recover from. The only thing I have to say about this is…….stats indicate that 13-20% people die from the procedure. Enough said.

I am submitting myself to all of these awful treatments so that I can live, and here is the kicker, for another 5-7 years (according to statistics). It just sucks! I reflect on all of the things I have been doing to embrace wellness, live deliberately and give. I know it is worth while, I know it is the right thing to do, I know I will keep doing it…………. But in the absence of meaningful, long term progress, it does hurt.

If that read as though I was wingeing a little. Apologies. Maybe I was. But it is a pretty shitty reality.

So here I am. I am working to get my head around the size of the mountain that my family and I have to climb. I take a deep breath and ponder how I will navigate the path. I am encouraged by the fact that I have so many supportive people around me that will rally. I am encouraged by the fact that there are many people that have walked the same path and they have faired well, so well in fact that they defy the stats and are smashing it. They live with determination and hope. I will do the same.

I will continue to embrace wellness. I will continue to live deliberately. I will continue to give. It’s just what I do.

A reality check. According to WHO stats, 50% of people will get cancer. 33% of cancers are preventable. Embrace wellness. Live deliberately. Give.

Take care

Geoff

Onwards and Upwards No. 36

Hello my healing team,

I hope this update finds you well.

Watching and reading the news, and with some of the trending story’s on social media, it is pretty clear to see that Fear is prominent in our society.  I understand fear. Especially when it results in people fleeing their home. But much of the time it is propagated by power brokers or institutions, all looking to use fear in order to gain votes, air time and / or an increased income.

Now I am no stranger to fear.  It’s fair to say I completely cacked my dax the day that I was told that I had a terminal blood cancer.  Nothing that I have experienced induced more fear than being told that I only had a few years to live …………. although there was that one time when I nearly forgot mine and Sarah’s anniversary.

Fear is our inbuilt safety mechanism. It protects us in times of danger, but at its worst it is negative in so many ways. As it manifests, it can manipulate and modify behaviour, it can stun and cripple. It can drive some to participate in unthinkable acts, it can drive others to spend. Some respond by withdrawing, others respond by lashing out in aggression. Left unchecked, ultimately it can be terminal.

Fear comes in several forms. There is Logical Fear, where you have all of the information and fear is induced by the fact of your circumstance (those fleeing wars). Illogical Fear is where you feel fear in the absence of credible information, or due to misinformation. This circumstance is often propagated by others so that they can manipulate and control you for their own gain. Then there is Gut Fear, where you assess the information around you and rely on your instinct for answers.

In the few instances in my life where I have been gripped by fear, I didn’t turn my back, I faced it. In considering how I respond to my fears, I also acknowledge that others have experienced fears far more grave than mine. For me, if fear is based on misinformation, hear say, shared rumour, or if I just don’t know enough about it, then I research. I feel that if I understand it, then I know how to respond to it.  If with research, it becomes a Logical Fear, well founded and legitimate, I engage with it to disarm it.  However, most often, my research dispels fear.  If I work hard to understand it, I know I will learn to control it instead of it controlling me.  When I can control it, I can use it, it will become my strength instead of my disability.  I will kill that fear, I will kill it with kindness and banish it.

I chose this topic given that fear is so prevalent and can be used as a tool to gain power. This use of fear is just sad, especially when you appreciate the circumstances of those who live in unsafe environments, those who’s fears are Logical.  If fear is left unchecked, it has so many negative potential outcomes. Do you know your fears? Are they Logical or Illogical?  Can you control those fears or are they controlling you?  Do they manifest as your strength or your disability?

Take care

Geoff

Onwards and Upwards No. 35

Hello my healing team,

I hope this update finds you well.

This week I went to Perth to deliver my presentation to a fantastic group of work colleagues and friends.  The process has me on planes and in hotels and takes me away from home for a few days.  I reflect on why I leave home to deliver these presentations. Further, why do I write blogs, do podcasts and engage the way that I do??  In most of these undertakings, I am just talking about myself. But to what end??

You would be forgiven for suggesting that it was only to feed my own narcissistic needs. Whilst I certainly get a lot out of the experience, there is more to it than narcissism.  In sharing like I do, I choose to make myself vulnerable, so l don’t think it is just all about me.  I think I have experienced a lot, and especially of the past few years, I have learnt a lot.  On this basis, I think I have something to share.  I try hard not to push my ideas and ideals onto anyone else. More, I want to share what I’m learning because for the most part, I think it is worthwhile.  I share hoping that through my experiences, you may reflect on you, looking for an improved outcome.

When I write and present, I try to be honest and authentic. I make myself vulnerable to those who read and listen.  In doing so, I hope to target that vulnerable place in your heart. That place where all facades are dropped and all pretences are put aside. It is at that moment that you are listening to what I am saying, and honestly reflecting on things you can do to improve your life outcome for yourself and for those around you.  It is at that point, when we are both vulnerable, that the decision for real change can and will occur. It is at that point that the benefits for you, me and those around us will materialise.

There is a big upside to vulnerability. Embrace it with me.

Take care

Geoff