Onwards and Upwards No. 39
Hello my healing team,
I hope this update finds you well.
The last week has been interesting and quite eventful. I started my chemo last Monday and had my second dose yesterday. Along with taking 24 tablets, I have had to inject myself with the Velcade. I did the self injection yesterday for the first time, and I must say, it is a little freaky given the needle is roughly 5cm long and I have to push it all of the way in!! Given I stabbed myself without passing out, I did feel brave 💪💪.
The symptoms have been as expected and manageable. As I sit here at 4am Tuesday morning, I can confirm that the insomnia from the steroid is back. From Monday to Thursday, I wake up each morning feeling as though I am hungover. I actually feel a little ripped off as I have the hangover but missed out on the fun bit the night before that creates the hangover. I feel further ripped off given a Berocca, panadol, meat pie and a Coke slurpie no longer cures my hangover like it did 20 years ago. Only time heals. Worst of all though is the hiccups. They start 24hrs after taking the steroids, and continue for 24hrs, even waking me from my fragile sleep. I feel validated every time that someone in my presence gives me that sympathy look, both of us sharing the knowledge that hiccups sucks massively!
This week, our new normal has arrived. We have had to adapt. I am no longer working so am trying to keep busy and remain positive. My positivity has been challenged as I confront the ‘Why’. Why has this crappy disease reemerged?? It has had me question and in some cases, stop pursuing those things that I have been doing to remain well including my nutrition, the health supplements I am taking, my mindfulness routine. Why bother doing all of this if it is not going to hold off the cancer!! But in recent reflection, I have realised that all of my actions form part of my coping mechanism. I do things to help me feel as though I am taking control by raising my energy, connecting into my social network, doing things that strengthen my immune system. I have to keep up my routine, I have to continue to do those small things that will help me maintain resolve and stay strong. I have to fight for me.
My coping mechanism is important, but it is only one of the four techniques that I have observed in my house this week. With me starting treatment again, Sarah and I felt it was time to divulge our secrets to Riley (11yo) and Georgia (8yo) by telling them I have cancer, and have had cancer for the past 2.5 years. This undertaking has meant that Sarah and I now have to observe, nurture and manage the coping mechanisms of our beautiful young kids 🙁 . Kids shouldn’t have to deal with this shit!! However, the sad reality is that many kids do have to deal with adversity, and they do manage admirably.
We sat the kids down to host our family chat. Riley sat with me and Georgia sat with Sarah. When we started the discussion with “hey guys, can we have a family chat”, they knew some form of significant news was coming. When we confessed, their reactions gave an honest insight with their coping mechanism.
Riley bounced up and down exclaiming “I knew it, I knew it”. Apparently he had been given a heads up by one of his honest little buddies at school. Whilst he had previously been told of my cancer, I know he didn’t believe that news…….. a little like when he was first told that Santa didn’t exist. He heard it but didn’t believe it. Riley seemed almost excited at first. The nature of the energy that he displayed confused me a little. Why the excitement? I now understand that he was putting on a form of cloaking display, just like I would. He was putting his energy out there so that he didn’t have to immediately dwell. Extrovert at his best. I do know from first hand experience though that Riley will have to manage his mind during those future quiet times. It won’t be easy.
Georgia responded very differently. As soon as she heard the news, it was very clear that she had no previous idea that her dad had cancer. She was immediately sad, a little scared and I could tell she wanted to cry. She fought to be strong and so walked away and started colouring in. So frikkin cute and sad at the same time!! We lured Georgia back to keep her engaged, but also let her do her thing. Let her cope in her way. Like Sarah, Georgia’s mechanism is to internalise and think. She knows a lot about what is going on and will need some time to process.
Now that Riley and Georgia know of our little secret, they will openly talk to others about their dad having cancer and so they will have to manage all of those voices, opinions and the (occaisional) misinformation that they hear. Sarah and I are responsible for teaching our kids how to manage all of this information, and to help them manage those quiet voices that will occur in Riley and Georgia’s beautiful little heads. It is not easy, but given we understand their coping mechanisms, Sarah and I can be there for them. I thank you all for being respectful and for being there for our kids too! They are so precious.
This week we have been reminded that everyone has their own coping mechanism. I realise that there is no one way or right way to cope. Whether it be extroversion or introspection, energy or reflection, crying or crowing, I understand that what is needed is a lot of love, support, space, understanding, patience and compassion. I am not always good at embracing and implementing all of these qualities, but my promise to Sarah, Riley and Georgia is …….. I will try my best.
Take care
Geoff
