Onwards and Upwards No. 43
Hello my healing team,
I hope this update finds you well.
Health-wise, I feel good. My white blood cells are at their low point, so I have low immunity, but have managed to dodge all infections thus far!! I have even managed to get outside for the occasional walk in the winter sun. Winning!!
In the lead up to this SCT, I was made abundantly aware that statistics suggest 1 in 7 people will die from this procedure. When first told, of course my bravado and positivity came out, pushing aside any suggestion that I could die!! I have always believed, or knew, that I would be on the good side of those statistics!! I have to so I can make 80!! My challenge is that I have had a lot of time and space to contemplate. I found that the stat of 1 in 7 was keeping me awake. I also found that I often felt emotional. My feelings were unresolved and were playing on my mind big time. Why ……. I hear you ask?? Well if you were going skydiving (or any activity) with seven other people and you knew that one of you would die, you just wouldn’t do it!! But here I am in the position where I have to go through this SCT. I have no obvious alternative offering long term reprieve from this disease. The challenge is further compounded by the statistic that the average life expectancy after diagnosis is four years, a stat that becomes sadly real when you see good friends with Myeloma pass away. Sometimes it can all become too much to manage. It’s a tough gig!!
I knew I had to find a way to come to terms with those statistics. I mean …… really come to terms as opposed to brushing the thoughts off with a ‘she’ll be right mate’. In the past I have brushed it off because I am not scared of death for myself. When I die, I won’t care. I’ll be dead!! What scares me, and makes me sad, is how my dying would effect those close to me, my beautiful Georgia (8), Riley (11) and Sarah. How would they cope should I die soon. It shatters me to think……
Being honest, I really didn’t know how to start the conversation with myself, or others, on how to deal with the prospect of death. To get my head around it, I needed help…. enter my fab kinesiologist Nanette Abbott!! After much discussion and a balance, we achieved some clarity. When I used to imagine life post Geoff, I pictured dark clouds rolling in for all of those around me, I see crying, I see sorrow. Not trying to talk myself up :), it’s just how I saw it. I also saw me no longer being present. Not being there for them when they needed me. After some time spent with Nan, I have resolved that I can influence this outcome. Death doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Sure it will be a sad time, but I think that if I was to pass, I will still be there for the ones I love ❤. Spiritually, I am not religious, so don’t believe the traditional ‘heaven after death’. But I do believe in the soul and energy transfer. A scenario where the soul, the source of living energy, moves out of our body, but is still present. It is in this instance that I can and will be present in the days, months and years post Geoff. A butterfly will land on Georgia’s face and it will be me tickling her cheek. The wind will blow and it will be me affectionately roughing Riley’s hair. The sun will shine and it will be me placing kisses on Sarah’s forehead. You will be able to see my smile on the horizon with every sunrise and sunset.
Let’s face it, it would be a bed of thorns as opposed to one of roses should the worst case come to fruition, especially for those close to me. The reality is that I won’t be here in person, however it does provide a little comfort to think that I will still be there for them in some capacity.
Hug your loved ones tight.
Take care
Geoff
In memory of our good friend Simone who, at 38 years young, passed last week from Myeloma. Our thoughts are with Brent, and little ones Harry and Finn.
